I have no hold, no way to control
by Theoretician
Summary: Mikey comes to Leo for support when Leo is barely holding it together himself. (Takes place the night before 'Journey to the Center of Mikey's Mind')


decided i should post any new tmnt fic i write here, since i have watchers here but not on ao3! title is from the song "starscrap" by steam powered giraffe

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It was just too quiet in space. The silence made Leo uncomfortable—every movement, every breath seemed too loud, and he spent large chunks of sleeping hours (there was no night or day on the ship) lying motionless in bed, afraid to do anything in case he woke his brothers. They needed all the sleep they could get, and the quality had not been good since they left Earth. Leo saw each of them wake from a nightmare with a start at least once in the first few weeks, and they always looked to him before turning over and—he hoped—going back to sleep. And as far as he knew, April and Casey, housed at the other end of the hallway, weren't doing much better.

The weeks after they lost the first piece of the Heart were worse. Leo hardly slept and when they were on the ship, he spent most of his time on the bridge or in the simulation room, talking to his memories.

"We were so close, sensei," he said, hanging his head. "It just… slipped through our fingers."

"My son," Splinter said, but he couldn't say anything more because Leo didn't know what he wanted to hear. They sat in silence, more silence that sat uncomfortably on Leo, until he bowed and bid his father goodbye for now.

He watched his brothers carefully. Donnie dove into the Fugitoid's data archives to distract himself, and dodged Leo's questions. Raph's walls were taller and thicker than ever, shutting all of them out. Mikey picked up on everyone's stress and took it upon himself to try and ease it, determinedly joking and playing at every opportunity and some times that were less than appropriate, and every time someone snapped at him, lost their patience and yelled at him, he doubled his efforts. Most of the time, Leo just let him mess around. Everyone coped in different ways, and he got the feeling that Mikey would break down sooner or later. The kid practically ran on feelings—he could only keep the bad ones buried for so long.

They were little more than 24 hours away from the next refueling station, and Mikey found Leo on the bridge during the rest hours.

"What are you doing up?" Leo asked, as Mikey sat down next to him.

"Couldn't sleep," he said. "Raph won't let me share his bed and D keeps talking in his sleep."

"What's wrong with your bed?"

"Nothin', I guess." Mikey pulled his legs up and rested his chin on his knees. He wasn't wearing his gear, and he looked smaller without it. More vulnerable. Leo looked at his hands.

"Well, we don't know what will happen tomorrow. You need your rest," he said.

"You're one to talk, dude," Mikey replied. "What are _you_ doing up?"

A leader always had to be confident and inspiring, so Leo didn't reply. He let Mikey stay, and they sat in silence, the terrible silence for a while. It was even weirder, being in a silent room with _Mikey_. He was the one who filled all the silences as long as he was awake, he was the one who was never done talking, the one who made his own music when there was none, but this time he was quiet. He just stared at the floor.

"What if," Mikey said finally, "we don't get all the pieces?"

Leo had dreaded that question since the first week of their voyage. It was not a conversation he wanted to have.

"Mikey—"

"No, seriously, Leo! What if we screw it all up and—and—" Mikey took a deep, shaky breath, and Leo immediately reached for him— "we don't save Earth, and sensei d-dies all over?!"

"Don't think about that," Leo said, like he hadn't thought the same thing every day since they left. He put his arm around Mikey's shoulders and pulled him closer, and Mikey immediately curled into him, his whole body shaking. "We're going to be fine." Somehow, it was easier to tell his brother what he couldn't say to himself.

"I miss home," Mikey whined, his face pushed against Leo's shoulder. "I miss Splinter, and Leatherhead—I just got him back, what if I never see him again?"

"Stop it. You're just going to think yourself into a hole," Leo said sternly, "I need you to be in this one hundred percent. We have to be a team."

Mikey heaved another sob and didn't reply. Leo petted the back of his little brother's head and wished that he could do more, wished he had more inspiring words. He was frustrated with himself for allowing all of this to happen—his family could have been safe at home, on Earth, if he had just done _something_ differently. He just had to figure out what that something was.

Eventually, Mikey cried himself out and quieted down, though his shoulders still quivered with each inhale. Leo gently pushed him into an upright sitting position and looked at him.

"You're going to do your best tomorrow, right?" he asked. Mikey sniffled grossly and nodded. "'Cause we need you, Mikey. If we're going to save Earth and Splinter and everyone, we need you."

"Okay," Mikey mumbled, then louder, clearer, "Okay. We're gonna do it. It's gonna be awesome."

"That's more like it. Now go wipe your face off, you look gross," Leo said, and smiled when Mikey chuckled weakly. "And then go back to bed. You've lost too much sleep already."

"Will you come with me?"

Leo hesitated. Mikey gave him watery puppy-dog eyes.

"C'mon, Leo, please?" he asked, drawing out the E. "I could really use some cuddling with my bros, like when we were little. Remember?"

"Kind of," Leo murmured. The lack of resources in the lair had forced them to share a bed until Leo was seven. He remembered that Mikey had taken a long time to adjust to sleeping by himself, and he remembered when Splinter gave him the stuffed bear to keep him company. The toy had undoubtedly been lost along with Earth and the rest of their family. Leo sighed.

"Okay," he said, and Mikey beamed, "but seriously, go wash your face. I'm not sharing the bed with a snot monster."

Back in the sleeping quarters, Donnie was the only one who was blissfully asleep, sprawled out on his back and snoring softly. Leo was glad for it. He nudged Mikey towards the washroom.

"We'll use Donnie's bed, I don't want to make him get up," he whispered. "I'll get Raph."

"'M already up," Raph muttered behind Leo. "Mikey woke me up tryin' to steal half my blanket."

"He misses us," Leo said softly. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure that Mikey was out of earshot. "Indulge him, okay?"

"You're way too soft on him."

"Would you rather have to deal with a sullen Mikey?"

Raph shook his head. "Fine. You can sleep in the middle with him, since you're his favorite, anyway."

That comment unexpectedly hurt. "Raph—"

"I'm not startin' any arguments," Raph whispered fiercely, and jerked his chin towards the doorway as Mikey re-entered the quarters. Leo let it go and climbed into the bed to lay down with his back to Donnie. He would bring it up again later, where the others couldn't hear.

Donnie woke up as Mikey crawled in to nestle against Leo, but he seemed to figure out what was happening fairly quickly and didn't say anything, just readjusted the pillow under his head and closed his eyes again. He and Mikey had shared a bed the longest, before Splinter found another bedframe and they could all have their own. Raph laid down last, after tossing the blankets from his and Mikey's bed on top of him, and folded his arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling. Leo swallowed his _Is that the best you can do?_ comment and patted Mikey's head.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"Tons," said Mikey. He sat up to rearrange the extra blankets, then flopped down again, earning a scowl from Raph and some irritated muttering from Donnie. "Thanks, Leo."

"You're welcome."

Before long, Mikey was asleep, and his brothers were wide awake.

"Sometimes I wish I was as dumb as he is," Donnie said, resting his head against Leo's shell. "It must be so easy."

"He's not dumb," said Leo. Raph looked at him out of the corner of his eye. Leo sighed. "Okay, so he's an idiot sometimes, but... he's our brother. And he's scared."

It was quiet for a moment. Leo peered over his shoulder at Donnie, then looked back at Raph. "What about you guys? Are you okay?"

"Fine," Raph said immediately.

"I guess," Donnie said, his voice a little faint. Leo hadn't expected much more out of them, and he didn't press them. He would have responded the same way.

The silence still sat on Leo, but not so heavily. For now, it was enough to have his brothers nearby, where he knew they were safe, and he could pretend that things were okay.


End file.
